Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What Chapter are we in?

The other night my hubby and I laid in bed, facing each other, talking about our hopes for this cycle. Frankly, I have none. After trying to explain my outlook for quite some time, what I came up with was this...I feel like I'm in the middle of a tragic novel. The tragic life of Melanie. Not at the end with the "happy ever after" part. In the middle. I feel like although what we have been through so far has been extremely difficult, it is not over. Probably in a year or two, I will look back on this time and think how little I had been through compared to what was to come. I'm not really sure where that's coming from. Perhaps it's reading other infertility blogs online, each with different struggles and devastations and losses. I realize there's a possibility we will not be able to get pregnant again. There's also a possbility we will get pregnant again only to have miscarriage #3, or 4, or 5. Or I could have another ectopic but this time my tube will burst and need to be removed through emergency surgery. Or, the very worst thing I can think of, a stillbirth. That's something that scares the shit out of me everytime I think about it. I don't think I would be able to go on with life if that happens to me. I would just shut down.

So, here I am, 6dpo today. And not really caring whether I'm pregnant this month or not. Because honestly, if I am, I'm just going to be waiting to get the bad news. Waiting for the next chapter of my nightmare.

By the way, I had my second HSG last week. It was just as bad as the first. I don't understand how they can get away with doing that procedure without anethesia. Would they do liposuction without anethesia? They seem similar to me. They even knock you out for colonoscopies and such and they're probably not as bad. I bet if the Dr's had to go through it they would be shocked at how much pain it causes and never do it to a waking patient again. I was on vicadin and muscle relaxers this time and still screamed my way through the whole thing. By the end I was just laying there crying. WTF?!? I'm not a wussy little girl. I can handle pain. But that is just traumatic.

I also had my mid-cycle U/S which showed 2 large follies on my right side. Apparently my right ovary is a bully because I've Ovulated on that side the last 4 cycles. My follies were 32 mm and 24mm. I'm not sure that the 32mm isn't too big, but the Dr. didn't mention it. We'll see what the outcome is next week.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Getting Older

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I feel so damned old. How did this happen? When did I go from being a punk rock chick that just wanted to go out and have fun, to an almost 30, married, boring woman. What happened?

I suddenly feel rushed. There's nothing standing between me and my 30th birthday now. The days are just ticking away until my 20's are over. I feel the need to enjoy my youth and go out more. Socialize more. Be more daring. Act young while I still can.

Some of this, I'm sure, is affected by my lack of children. I always wanted to be a young mother. My Mom had me when she was 27 and she always seemed older than my friend's mothers. In retrospect, their Moms all had them between ages 16 and 20. And I didn't want that! But I didn't want to be any older than my Mom was either. And I definitely wanted to be done with having children by the time I was 30. I had to wait until I was 27, when my husband agreed. But that was ok, I could have a couple kids in 3 or 4 years, right? Ha. I probably won't even have my first by the time I'm 30. I just feel like the whole last few years have been a waste of time. I could have been enjoying my life and my husband and my 20's and wouldn't be in any different place then I am right now.

Monday, March 9, 2009

All Set

Today is day 3 of my cycle. Since the RE's office is closed on the weekends, I called the nurse this morning to let her know I was already on day 3. Surprisingly she didn't want me to come in today for a baseline U/S or bloodwork or anything. Maybe they don't require it, maybe they couldn't squeeze me in today. Either way, it's fine by me. The bills are adding up!

They did call in my Clomid Rx for me. The Dr. is switching it up a little this month. He wants me to take 150mg on day 3, 100mg on days 4-6, and 50 mg on day 7. He didn't explain the reasoning to me but I think it's to try and make more good-size eggs instead of one huge one like last month. That's just the internet researcher in me talking.

We scheduled the HSG for next Tuesday. I'm really scared of going through that pain again, but I'm trying not to think about it. The Doc said he would give me some Rx pain meds to take before the procedure this time. The nurse wouldn't call that in though, she's going to have the Doc call me tomorrow about it. He better give me something or put me under or I might end up kicking him in the face during the procedure! Purely instinctual, I promise. ;)

So we're all set for this new cycle. I'm really hoping this one works!

I have a blog!!

This is my first blog post. Ever. I'm not sure why I started this blog. I guess sometimes I have things to say and nowhere to say them. So I will post them here. And if you're interested, read it. If not, don't.

My journey so far is detailed over on the right, so I won't repeat it here. I know it's a little long, but it all seemed important. I didn't want to leave any of it out!

That's all for tonight. It's very late due to the time change and I have to call the RE first thing in the morning. It's the start of a new cycle. Hoping it works this month, for real this time.