What Chapter are we in?

The other night my hubby and I laid in bed, facing each other, talking about our hopes for this cycle. Frankly, I have none. After trying to explain my outlook for quite some time, what I came up with was this...I feel like I'm in the middle of a tragic novel. The tragic life of Melanie. Not at the end with the "happy ever after" part. In the middle. I feel like although what we have been through so far has been extremely difficult, it is not over. Probably in a year or two, I will look back on this time and think how little I had been through compared to what was to come. I'm not really sure where that's coming from. Perhaps it's reading other infertility blogs online, each with different struggles and devastations and losses. I realize there's a possibility we will not be able to get pregnant again. There's also a possbility we will get pregnant again only to have miscarriage #3, or 4, or 5. Or I could have another ectopic but this time my tube will burst and need to be removed through emergency surgery. Or, the very worst thing I can think of, a stillbirth. That's something that scares the shit out of me everytime I think about it. I don't think I would be able to go on with life if that happens to me. I would just shut down.

So, here I am, 6dpo today. And not really caring whether I'm pregnant this month or not. Because honestly, if I am, I'm just going to be waiting to get the bad news. Waiting for the next chapter of my nightmare.

By the way, I had my second HSG last week. It was just as bad as the first. I don't understand how they can get away with doing that procedure without anethesia. Would they do liposuction without anethesia? They seem similar to me. They even knock you out for colonoscopies and such and they're probably not as bad. I bet if the Dr's had to go through it they would be shocked at how much pain it causes and never do it to a waking patient again. I was on vicadin and muscle relaxers this time and still screamed my way through the whole thing. By the end I was just laying there crying. WTF?!? I'm not a wussy little girl. I can handle pain. But that is just traumatic.

I also had my mid-cycle U/S which showed 2 large follies on my right side. Apparently my right ovary is a bully because I've Ovulated on that side the last 4 cycles. My follies were 32 mm and 24mm. I'm not sure that the 32mm isn't too big, but the Dr. didn't mention it. We'll see what the outcome is next week.