7 weeks?

This week seemed to go by a little faster than the past few. I was so glad to hit the 7 week mark yesterday. Then I went in for my U/S this morning. The baby is only measuring 6 wks, 5 days. That's 3 days behind where I thought I was. I know for a fact when I ovulated. The earliest I could possibly be is 7 weeks. The baby looked healthy and everything. We saw the heart beating again which was awesome. And I can see that the baby has grown a whole lot in the past week. But it's still a little nerve wracking that it's measuring small. Here's the pic:



That's the yolk sac next to it. Funny that's what that tiny little dot was on the first U/S, just 2 weeks ago, and look how big it is now!

Rich pointed out that had she measured it a little to the right (your left looking at the pic) it may have measured slightly bigger and got us another day or two. Perhaps.

My next appt is not for 10 days. My doc is on vacation next week. Some ridiculously expensive luxury getaway I'm sure. The baby business is a lucrative one. I didn't get to talk to him today because he was doing a procedure. So we wanted to make sure we got to get all of our questions answered at our next appt before they kick us out. By then I will be over 8 weeks and baby will probably have changed a lot.

No new symptoms to report. Still just really tired and my boobs hurt. And maybe, just maybe, they're a little bigger. My stomach is also feeling like it's sticking out a bit, so it might be time to start the belly pics.

In baby news this week, he or she is now the size of a raspberry. It's growing about a millimeter every day and will form it's lips, nose, and eyelids this week. It's little fingers and toes are separating, too. No more little webbed hands!

To Tell Or Not To Tell

That is the question.

So far, I've only told my 2 best friends. We had originally planned to tell our immediate families this weekend. If everything looks good on the U/S, that is. Then we were going to wait at least another few weeks or maybe into the second trimester before making the big announcement to everyone else.

This weekend is my Mom's birthday as well as Father's Day. I'm pretty sure we're still gonna tell my Mom and Stepdad during some sort of get together on Saturday. I'm planning on getting my Mom a 'Happy Birthday Grandma' card, since this will be her first grandchild. And I might put an U/S pic inside too just in case she doesn't get it. Which she might not. I love her, but she never gets jokes. We wanted to tell them to keep it to themselves for a few more weeks. However, my Aunt and Uncle are coming in to visit on Monday and my Aunt is pretty much my Mom's best friend and Mom likes to brag to her brother, my uncle, about things. They'll be spending the whole week with them and we'll be having dinner with all of them a few times during the week. There's just no way she won't tell them. But that's ok. I can handle that. I was more worried about fringe people like co-workers and distant family knowing. They're the ones that don't end up getting told when something goes wrong. And it's torture when you run into them and have to tell them yourself, months later.

Here's the big conundrum. We always have a get together with Rich's family on Father's Day. Usually at one of our houses and it's us, Rich's parents, siblings, and spouses. So we were going to break the news then. Problem is instead of getting together with just the immediate family they want us to join them at church for a Father's Day BBQ. My FIL works at the church and has to be there for this event. They'll be at church before that and the BBQ lasts until 7 pm. So there's no way my BIL and SIL will want to do anything afterward with their 2 little kids. They'll head home. So either we tell them at the BBQ and everyone in their church will know, or we wait until afterwards and only tell his parents and not the siblings.

I'm irritated by the whole thing because I wanted to be able to share it when we were all together and able to talk about it freely. I wanted the big celebration. Damn it, we've been through so much. We deserve that. It's finally our turn, I want everyone to be excited and hugging and yelling and talking about it all day. But that can't happen if we're trying to tell them on the down low during the church thing or right before or after. And we probably won't all be together again any time soon. So maybe we just tell them and let everyone else know. That way THEY could brag to all of their friends and the extended family that may or may not be there as well. That certainly would make for a big celebration. But then there ya go with all those fringe people. Fortunately they're not really people that I run into on a regular basis. So maybe it's ok. AAHHH!!! I can't decide what to do! Any opinions?

We Have Life!

We saw the heartbeat! There is an actual living embryo inside me! Here's the pic:



I know it doesn't look like much yet. Do you see where the arrow is pointing at a tiny little equals sign? That's the heartbeat.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I just couldn't turn my mind off. I read until about 2 am and then laid in bed until I fell asleep somewhere around 3. Then I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm a zombie today. I keep saying I'm going to take a nap so I'll have some energy tonight, but haven't made it to my bed yet. I want to go out to dinner with Rich tonight to celebrate.

We have another U/S next Friday. By then I should have a little grain of rice to post for you. I'm already counting down the days until then, but I'm a little more relaxed about the situation. Or am I just sleep deprived?

6 weeks

Almost. I'll be 6 weeks tomorrow. That's close enough, right? Please say yes because I just can't be 5 weeks anymore. I can't believe how slow time is moving. I'm literally counting down the hours until my U/S on Friday. 40 hours from right now.

I want to be able to just enjoy being pregnant. This is what I wanted for so long. I just can't get over the fear. So far everything has been good. In fact, I've never got this far before without having any spotting or bleeding. I'm happy about that. And I'm not stressing over my progesterone levels anymore. I'm not going to put much stock in the numbers anymore. As long as everything is progressing right on schedule according to the U/S's and I'm not having any spotting, then every thing's OK. Right?

If only I could just snap my fingers and it would be August. But then I would have missed my pregnant summer. Damn. Why do I want to wish away what should be a happy time that we'll always remember? Why can't I just be happy and pregnant and enjoy my last summer without children? (Hopefully) My experiences have taken the fun out of everything for me.

In baby news, our embryo is now the size of a pea, about a 1/4 inch long. It has nostrils and the skeleton is formed. The appendix is in place and intestines are developing. At this point, brain hemispheres have formed and brain waves can be recorded. The heart has four separate chambers and the heartbeat will soon become more regular. And baby's first movements will happen this week. Obviously we won't actually be able to detect any movement for several more weeks, but it's happening!

I hope it is anyway. I hope I'm not attributing all these things to an empty uterus.

So Far, So Good...I Think

Had my first U/S today. We knew we wouldn't be able to see much more than the sac at only 5 weeks, 1 day. I was very nervous that we wouldn't see anything at all. I was freaking out. But I was really hoping we'd see the fetal pole, even though I knew it was too early. No fetal pole yet, but we did see the gestational sac and the yolk sac inside it.




All in all, the appt went well. I asked my doc when I would be able to play golf again. Maybe near the end of the first trimester. And no orgasms either. Uterine contractions wouldn't be a good thing right now. Thanks, Doc. I don't usually have orgasms on the golf course but I'll keep that in mind.

The nurse called me later in the day with my bloodwork results. HCG levels are over 7000 now which is awesome! But my progesterone is down to 23. That's got me worrying again. They said it's fine because it's over 15. I'm already taking progesterone supplements twice a day so I know it probably won't ever fall below 15. What worries me is the big drop it took. From over 40 to 23. Was my body producing progesterone last week but stopped? And now the only progesterone in my system is from the supplements? Would that mean I was going to miscarry soon? A lot of Dr.'s think that low progesterone is not the cause of a miscarriage but rather it's the effect. So if your levels drop it is a sign of impending miscarriage. I know they're still in the normal range, but they dropped - while on supplements.

Why is there always something for me to obsess over?

Bad Friend, Bad Sister

A friend of mine has been calling and texting me A LOT this week, wanting to talk. I don't answer her calls and only respond to some of the texts. I'm careful not to get into an actual conversation, even via text. It's just so hard to talk to people right now. My brain is completely preoccupied with this pregnancy. How do I answer "What's up with you?" or "You've been really busy lately, what's going on?" when I don't want to tell anyone yet. And I haven't been busy at all. I've been sitting at home, lost in my own mind. Trying to hibernate from the world until I can be a normal pregnant women and be happy about it and share the good news. Right now I don't want to tell anyone, but I can't think about anything else. It's hard for me to even listen to her problems or try to talk about something else because my brain just won't concentrate on it. So I ignore the calls. Then it's worse because I have absolutely no excuse for not answering or calling her back. I'm sitting here doing nothing just trying to pass the time until Friday but I can't even talk to one of my best friends for a few minutes? I'm such an ass.

Another friend is going through a divorce and just had to sell her house. The settlement is Friday, so she has to have everything out by then. I've been answering some of her calls, but making excuses for not going over there and helping her pack and take things to storage. Mainly because I'm not supposed to lift anything or do anything strenuous right now. But I can't tell her that. And of course, I have the whole problem with conversing. Although I'm sure she'd do all the talking with everything that's going on with her right now. Even though I know I can't help physically, I feel like I'm letting her down when she needs me the most.

Here's the worst one. The one that makes me feel about an inch tall. My Dad died in 2007. I have 2 brothers, one older, and my baby brother Sean who's my half-brother from my Dad's second marriage. He lives in Detroit with his Mom. He called me on Saturday morning. Friday had been his last day of high school and his graduation was on Sunday. His Mom and I were emailing about this about 6 months ago. I sent her a quote to add to the page she was taking out in the yearbook for him. We talked about Rich and I coming out for it but I wasn't sure if we were actually going to do that. I really don't get along with his Mom and she wanted us to stay with her, blah, blah, blah. Sometime in April I thought I should email her and ask when the actual graduation was. But that thought was quickly replaced by thoughts of fertility treatments and possible nursery furniture. I never emailed. I did talk to Sean a few times but he never mentioned it. I knew he wouldn't know the date anyway. He has problems with time conception. His graduation is a bigger deal than most because he has some learning disabilities and social awkwardness. He's been diagnosed with a zillion things, most were ridiculous and a waste of time, over the years. Since middle school he's had an aid that writes his work for him because he can't put his thoughts into writing. However, he's very smart, loves to read, and wants to be a writer someday. Thank god for voice recognition software! He's also very funny. But sometimes talking to him is like trying to talk back to a stand-up routine. So it's hard to make a connection with him. Anyway, because of all that it's amazing that he's graduating, ON TIME, at age 18. I'm so proud of him.

All of his family from his Mom's side is up in Detroit for the weekend. And here's the thing that really got me. My older brother is there too. He made the drive from Alabama to be see him graduate. My unreliable, unorganized, unthoughtful brother is there. And I'm not. What the fuck? I told Sean I would have been there if I'd known. He said he tried to call me but I never answer the phone. He said I'm really hard to get a hold of. Those words broke.my.heart. He doesn't leave messages and I don't have caller ID. So of course I don't just answer! My antisocial self doesn't talk to just anyone these days. I wait to hear who it is first. He said his Mom sent me lots of emails. I didn't get any. She must have messed up my email address. She had it right 6 months ago! Ugh. And then there's my older brother. Why couldn't he have called me to let me know he was going and see if I wanted to go too. He says he did, and I didn't answer. UGH!!!!!!

I feel like such a piece of shit. I knew he was graduating this year. I'm the adult, he's the child. I should have called and found out when it was and made plans to be there. It's not like I have anything else to do these days. It would have really taken my mind off of all this pregnancy stuff to get away for a few days too. He sounded really disappointed on the phone. He said at least someone from Dad's family is there. Made me cry.

I have a quote from one of those stupid inspirational emails that keeps running through my head. 'If you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate actions to correct it.' So how do I do that? I already offered for him to spend a few weeks at my house this summer. We talked about that last summer but it never happened. I'm going to make it happen this time. Make concrete plans with him and his Mom. I'm also thinking I should set aside a certain day every week to call him. How do you make up for missing the most important day of his life so far? Can you?

As far as my texting friend goes, I sent her a text apologizing for being self-involved lately. Then she sent one backing asking what was up with me, which I ignored. She's just concerned, not angry. I'm thinking I might tell her about this pregnancy. She won't tell anyone and she knows about the ectopic and fertility treatments already. I was just trying to wait until we at least had an U/S before telling anyone. She doesn't always say the most tactful things on the subject. She's a self-proclaimed 'Fertile Myrtle'. But maybe I ought to tell her what's going on and explain why I haven't been taking her calls. Then if something goes wrong and she makes stupid comments, I'll just have to deal with that. That's the unselfish thing to do, right?

This is an unbelievably long post. If you're still reading, THANK YOU.