A friend of mine has been calling and texting me A LOT this week, wanting to talk. I don't answer her calls and only respond to some of the texts. I'm careful not to get into an actual conversation, even via text. It's just so hard to talk to people right now. My brain is completely preoccupied with this pregnancy. How do I answer "What's up with you?" or "You've been really busy lately, what's going on?" when I don't want to tell anyone yet. And I haven't been busy at all. I've been sitting at home, lost in my own mind. Trying to hibernate from the world until I can be a normal pregnant women and be happy about it and share the good news. Right now I don't want to tell anyone, but I can't think about anything else. It's hard for me to even listen to her problems or try to talk about something else because my brain just won't concentrate on it. So I ignore the calls. Then it's worse because I have absolutely no excuse for not answering or calling her back. I'm sitting here doing nothing just trying to pass the time until Friday but I can't even talk to one of my best friends for a few minutes? I'm such an ass.
Another friend is going through a divorce and just had to sell her house. The settlement is Friday, so she has to have everything out by then. I've been answering some of her calls, but making excuses for not going over there and helping her pack and take things to storage. Mainly because I'm not supposed to lift anything or do anything strenuous right now. But I can't tell her that. And of course, I have the whole problem with conversing. Although I'm sure she'd do all the talking with everything that's going on with her right now. Even though I know I can't help physically, I feel like I'm letting her down when she needs me the most.
Here's the worst one. The one that makes me feel about an inch tall. My Dad died in 2007. I have 2 brothers, one older, and my baby brother Sean who's my half-brother from my Dad's second marriage. He lives in Detroit with his Mom. He called me on Saturday morning. Friday had been his last day of high school and his graduation was on Sunday. His Mom and I were emailing about this about 6 months ago. I sent her a quote to add to the page she was taking out in the yearbook for him. We talked about Rich and I coming out for it but I wasn't sure if we were actually going to do that. I really don't get along with his Mom and she wanted us to stay with her, blah, blah, blah. Sometime in April I thought I should email her and ask when the actual graduation was. But that thought was quickly replaced by thoughts of fertility treatments and possible nursery furniture. I never emailed. I did talk to Sean a few times but he never mentioned it. I knew he wouldn't know the date anyway. He has problems with time conception. His graduation is a bigger deal than most because he has some learning disabilities and social awkwardness. He's been diagnosed with a zillion things, most were ridiculous and a waste of time, over the years. Since middle school he's had an aid that writes his work for him because he can't put his thoughts into writing. However, he's very smart, loves to read, and wants to be a writer someday. Thank god for voice recognition software! He's also very funny. But sometimes talking to him is like trying to talk back to a stand-up routine. So it's hard to make a connection with him. Anyway, because of all that it's amazing that he's graduating, ON TIME, at age 18. I'm so proud of him.
All of his family from his Mom's side is up in Detroit for the weekend. And here's the thing that really got me. My older brother is there too. He made the drive from Alabama to be see him graduate. My unreliable, unorganized, unthoughtful brother is there. And I'm not. What the fuck? I told Sean I would have been there if I'd known. He said he tried to call me but I never answer the phone. He said I'm really hard to get a hold of. Those words broke.my.heart. He doesn't leave messages and I don't have caller ID. So of course I don't just answer! My antisocial self doesn't talk to just anyone these days. I wait to hear who it is first. He said his Mom sent me lots of emails. I didn't get any. She must have messed up my email address. She had it right 6 months ago! Ugh. And then there's my older brother. Why couldn't he have called me to let me know he was going and see if I wanted to go too. He says he did, and I didn't answer. UGH!!!!!!
I feel like such a piece of shit. I knew he was graduating this year. I'm the adult, he's the child. I should have called and found out when it was and made plans to be there. It's not like I have anything else to do these days. It would have really taken my mind off of all this pregnancy stuff to get away for a few days too. He sounded really disappointed on the phone. He said at least someone from Dad's family is there. Made me cry.
I have a quote from one of those stupid inspirational emails that keeps running through my head. 'If you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate actions to correct it.' So how do I do that? I already offered for him to spend a few weeks at my house this summer. We talked about that last summer but it never happened. I'm going to make it happen this time. Make concrete plans with him and his Mom. I'm also thinking I should set aside a certain day every week to call him. How do you make up for missing the most important day of his life so far? Can you?
As far as my texting friend goes, I sent her a text apologizing for being self-involved lately. Then she sent one backing asking what was up with me, which I ignored. She's just concerned, not angry. I'm thinking I might tell her about this pregnancy. She won't tell anyone and she knows about the ectopic and fertility treatments already. I was just trying to wait until we at least had an U/S before telling anyone. She doesn't always say the most tactful things on the subject. She's a self-proclaimed 'Fertile Myrtle'. But maybe I ought to tell her what's going on and explain why I haven't been taking her calls. Then if something goes wrong and she makes stupid comments, I'll just have to deal with that. That's the unselfish thing to do, right?
This is an unbelievably long post. If you're still reading, THANK YOU.
Time Flies When You're Turning One
10 years ago
WOW...well I kept reading... :) Don't feel too bad. Once you tell your family that you are preggers, they are all going to understand and be SO excited... If I were you I would just make sure that week happens where he can come stay with you! That will be so special! And with the thing about ignoring calls, don't worry, everyone does it, and once again everyone will understand and be happy that you have a healthy pregnancy! Just take care of yourself and your little baby!! I am SO happy for you!
ReplyDeleteEveryone is different in how they tell people the news. I told my closest friends, mainly because I was high risk and had to not do anything for weeks and weeks and I needed them to know that so they didn't think we were just ignoring them. They all understood, of course, since they are my close friends. I don't see why you couldn't tell your close friends, they are there for support. At the very least they'll understand why you are laying low.
ReplyDeleteConcerning your brother's graduation, you've had a lot going on. Your older brother could have left a message and you would have called him back about it. I've learned thru the years that everyone has something going on in their lives. I know you wanted to be there, and would have if you had known the specifics, but you and Rich have made the fertility treatments a priority right now and since you're the only ones who can live your lives, you have to put yourselves first sometimes. I've had to miss my cousin's graduation from college and uncle's funeral over the last few months and all of my family understood why. Try to be easier on yourself. You need to think of you and baby right now!