Beta #2

414. Holy Crap! It quadrupled in 2 days! I'm starting to wonder if there's more than one in there. That would be AWESOME!!!

I have to wait a whole week for any more info though. Since my numbers look great they want to hold off until next Friday to do another beta and an U/S. How am I going to survive an entire week? Even with these great numbers I'm still scared of an ectopic. Last time my levels increased normally in the beginning but then got stuck at 368 and never went any higher. So for the entire next week I'm going to be wondering if I'm stuck at 414.

I had a whole spiel I was going to give the nurse about needing to come in for another test early next week. I was going to tell her how nervous I am and that I'm worried they'll stop going up. But when she told me 414 I was so excited! So was she. There was no way I could go ahead with my spiel about being nervous after celebrating on the phone together. Oh well.

Another Day, Another Test

I couldn't resist. I tested again this morning. The line just keeps getting darker! Check it out:

Beta #1

The results are in!!

My nurse called me and said, "It's official, you're pregnant!" Such wonderful words. My HCG level was 98, which I'm pysched about. I was just hoping for something over 50 since I'm so early, only 13dpo. Yay!

My progesterone also looked good at over 40. I'm already on the supplements so I knew that one would be high, but it's nice to confirm that everything's good on that front.

Beta #2 on Friday. I can't wait!

It's Darker!!

I held it as long as I could and took another test at 4 pm. It's much darker than the other 3!!



You can actually see the line on the picture with that one. I guess my AU is better than my FMU. :)

Here We Go Again

Obviously I didn't make it until Wednesday to test! I woke up and took my temp yesterday at about 7:30 am. It was pretty low. I was laying there wondering what that could mean, if it meant anything. I had to pee. I decided to test so I could stop all of the What if's running through my head. I didn't have any FRER's, but I did have a CBE digital that I got free with my OPK's. I tested and sat on the bathroom floor petting Cricket and waiting for the NOT PREGNANT to come up. It was taking forever. I kept glancing at it and thinking "Just pop up NOT PREGNANT so I can go back to bed already" And then it was there. PREGNANT. I started crying, there on the bathroom floor. I thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. My vision is a little blurry in the mornings when I sleep in my contacts, which I had done. I woke up Rich by shoving my pee stick in his face. Haha. And saying, "I couldn't wait, but I think it says pregnant, is that what it says?" He sat right up and looked at it and hugged me. I couldn't stop the tears.

Later in the day I decided to go get some FRER's so I can watch the line get darker over the next few days. I kept my FMU in a cup in the bathroom so I could do that. I dipped it in and waited. The control line popped up and got dark as can be. But there was no second line. I freaked. I know false positives are very rare, but CBE digitals are the most notorious for them. So I grabbed another one out of the box and tried again with fresh pee. (Didn't you want to know this much about my pee?)This time a very faint line came up. Whew! As they sat there they got darker and I could see a very very faint line on the first test as well.

I was expecting a darker line than what I got since the digital was positive. It's kind of disappointing. So I took another one this morning hoping for a darker line to make me feel better and it's lighter than yesterday afternoon's. Ugh. It can never be worry free, can it? Here's the pic of my 3 tests.



I'm getting ready to go buy another box so I can see if my afternoon's today is a little darker, like yesterday. That's right, a second 3 pack in less than 24 hours. They must make a killing off of us!

I go in for my beta tomorrow. I'll only be 13dpo and with these light lines, I'm not expecting a very high number. Hopefully they'll let me come back for another on Friday to see if they doubled. Please keep me in your thoughts! We need this bean to be a healthy one!!

Haircut Part Deux

Thanks for all the suggestions! It was unanimous on all fronts to go with the bob. So here ya go:





That last one looks remarkably similar to my "mock" bob I had in the last post. So I guess I was successful! It's obviously much shorter than I was looking for. But it's cute and I can live with it until it grows out. I had them cut it a little shorter in the back then the front. (The Sling, as Lindsey called it) I actually really like this look. My only problem with it is that it's the same haircut (except for the bangs) that I had for years and years. My recent shoulder length layered look with bangs was the big change that I had been looking for. So, it's a little annoying to be forced back into my old standby haircut. But it'll grow. It grows fast, especially while taking the prenatals.

Teddy got his haircut this week too.



Doesn't he look like a proper little gentleman?

5 days until testing. Or 4 really since it's VERY early on Saturday now. I've been obsessing A LOT today. I had some pains on my right hand side. Very sharp pains similar to what I remember with the ectopic. At first I got excited about it thinking it must be implantation. Then, wait, if it feels just like the ectopic pains, is it another ectopic? I think I have those every cycle now though. So I really shouldn't read too much into them. But I will anyway! I seem to think less about it on the weekends when Rich is with me, so I'm really glad we've got a 3 day weekend.

New haircut! Help!!

My hair was getting a little too long for me so I went in to have it cut. I asked the hairdresser(same one I always go to) to do the same thing as last time. Piecy bangs and big chunky layers in the rest of the hair. I asked her to cut an inch or two off the length but keep it at my shoulders. I told her I like the look of long hair, but once it gets too long it gets on my nerves.

Here's what it looked like last time:



I loved that haircut! And I still had it, I just needed it trimmed up.

And here's what it looks like today:





I freakin' hate it! I look like a housewife from 1978. Somehow all the hair in the front that frames my face is really short. It's up to my chin. And then it tapers down into these thin layers that pop up from the bottom of the sides and back. Hate it, hate it, hate it! I've been playing with it all day and can't make it look good.

So, here's my dilemma. Do I just leave it alone and let it grow out or do I get all those thin long layers cut off and make it into a bob. I didn't want a bob with bangs because I thought it would look too juvenile. But now I'm thinking that would look better than what I have. I would probably need to let it grow even longer if I did that. So I took some pics with the long pieces pulled back so you could get an idea of what that would look like:





What do you guys think? Please don't tell me it looks good just to make me feel better. I want honest opinions of if I should leave it to grow out or get it cut again.



Thanks!

Denied

My insurance I have now is though Rich's work. It's free for him but really expensive to have me on the plan with him. And stupid expensive to add a baby. So I thought I'd be smart and proactive and research individual health plans. I found one that included maternity coverage and would be a little cheaper for us now and A LOT cheaper if we were to add a baby. So I filled out the paperwork and waited for a response. One of the questions on the application was "Have you ever had any fertility testing done?" So I put on there that some fertility tests had been done at my request after an ectopic pregnancy and no problems were found. I don't want to be accused of insurance fraud or anything so I thought they should know about the ectopic and that I have been seeing an RE. They came back wanting more info concerning my infertility. I had to have the Doc fill out a form and fax it back to them.

My current insurance won't cover fertility treatment but they do cover diagnosis and my RE appt's, just not the treatments. And it has a $3000 deductible so the things it does cover I have to pay out of pocket anyway.I figured the new company was going to come back with some exclusions. That they probably wouldn't pay for any of my RE appts or fertility stuff because no matter what you call it, it's a preexisting condition since I'm already receiving treatment. I thought, at the worst, they might deny me fertility and maternity coverage altogether. I thought we'd have to figure out what we would have to pay out of pocket vs. how much we would save on premiums and decide if we should switch.

Yesterday I got a big packet in the mail from BCBS and I thought, Yay! I'm approved. Now let's just see what the exclusions are. I open it up and read the letter on the top of the packet.

"Thank you for your recent application for individual health insurance. Unfortunately we cannot approve your request for the following reason: Infertility"

Fabulous. The rest of the information in the envelope was brochures for a plan for "high risk pool of medically uninsurable Maryland residents" I'm medically uninsurable? What the hell? I'm in perfect health other than the fact that I haven't had a baby yet. If I hadn't tried to get pregnant I wouldn't have needed to go to the Dr. for anything. I was willing to pay for my fertility stuff on my own. But they flat out denied me. Medically Uninsurable. Ridiculous.

I happened to have snuck a peak at that form the RE sent them the other day. I took the walk from the office to the front desk with my chart REALLY slowly and took a look-see. My official diagnosis is Unexplained Secondary Infertility with Shortened Luteal Phase. In previous conditions he listed - miscarriage at age 24, recent ectopic pregnancy, Unexplained Secondary Infertility greater than 2 years. Future treatment required - Clomid and Monitoring until 8 weeks pregnant. Interesting. Not sure where the 2 years part comes in as I have only been off of birth control for 20 months and seriously trying for a little over a year. Perhaps he thought we had been trying since the first miscarriage? Whatever. What's done is done. Also interesting that he refers to it as 'secondary'. I thought that term was only used if you already had a child. I'm assuming he's considering my first pregnancy as a success fertility-wise even though I lost the baby at 11 weeks. But apparently not the ectopic. Fetus in Uterus means you restart the infertility clock?

It's so aggravating that I'm being denied for Unexplained Infertility. The name says it all. They haven't found anything wrong with me! How can I be penalized for having testing done and trying to up my odds of getting pregnant with some fertility meds? That does not equal illness!

I freakin hate insurance. Of all kinds. Such a waste of money.

8 days until testing.

New Plan

Friday's RE visit was interesting. First off, my follies had actually shrunk in size. The doc says that's because ovulation was probably in progress that day. Which is what I thought as well since I got a positive on my OPK the day before. I'm a little bummed I didn't get to hear how much bigger and better they were compared to Wednesday, but I guess they got big enough. At least the one on the right did. Still not sure about that one on the left. It was at 16mm on Friday but he said it probably had gotten bigger and shrunk back down. Somehow I doubt that. My lining looked better too at 10.5mm. Nice and thick. Oh yeah.

Last visit I had asked the doc about where we will go after this. We talked about a lot of things and he didn't give me a real clear answer. Just a lot of discussing the pros and cons of all the different options. Friday was much different. Maybe I caught him off guard last time? He now says he wants to do a Laparoscopy if I'm not pregnant this cycle. I thought this meant I would need to take a cycle off, which for me means a no-go. I'm not ready to take any time off. I'm way too impatient for that. But he said we'd only need to take a few weeks off. He'd put me on BCP when this cycle is over and get me scheduled for it ASAP. Then, as long as everything goes well, take me off the BCP a few days after the procedure causing a new cycle to start. And we proceed with the next treatment cycle. They knock you out for this one so it doesn't concern me that much. No scary HSG pain or anything. I don't care what you do to me as long as I don't have to feel it!

He wants me to move on to injectables and IUI next cycle. I think the thinking behind doing the laparoscopy is to rule out any possible problems before spending the money on much more expensive treatments. If he finds any minor problems, (endo, adhesions, etc.) he can correct those while he's in there. If there's a major problem then we would know the treatments would be pointless and we need to move on to IVF or adoption. WTF! This has gotten so agressive, so fast. On one hand, I like that. I am, after all, extremely impatient and want to be pregnant now. So if this will get me pregnant, then bring it on! And I'm all for more info. He's going to take a look at ALL my pelvic organs, not just the reproductive ones. On the other hand, it's only been a few cycles since the ectopic. And I have gotten pregnant twice before. So maybe I just need a few more months and all this is completely unneccesary. I'm sure I could ask him to hold off at least one more cycle and try out the Femara. But do I really want to stop him from trying to get me pregnant ASAP. That IS what I want.

Hopefully I can just be pregnant this cycle and not have to worry about all this. I know, wishful thinking. I'm officially in the 2ww now. Blah.

Another Day at the RE

I had my mid-cycle appt today. For the first time in the last 4 months the bloodwork showed I'm not ovulating yet. I had 2 follies, one on the right measuring 22 or 23mm and one on the left at 15mm. The doc and tech seem to think the 15mm will grow and release as well, but I have my doubts. The one on the right is definitely dominant. SHOCKER!! I was hoping for several close in size. But hey, you only need one right? My lining was a little thinner than previous months at 7.8mm. The tech said it just needs to be over 7 and since I'm not quite ovulating yet it's got a few days to get thicker.

I told the RE about my monster headaches and everything while on the Clomid. So he's switching me to Letrazole(Femara) next cycle. Supposedly it has less side effects but does the same job. The FDA hasn't approved it for infertility. It's actually a breast cancer prevention drug. He said not to google it because there's a lot of unneccessary scary info out there. I, of course, googled it as soon as I got home. What else would a good TTCer do? Anybody have any experience with taking it or any knowledge about it, let me know. As far as I can tell there's mixed reviews, pretty much same as Clomid.

I also asked THE question that's been on my mind since I found out last cycle failed. Where do we go after this? What's the next step if this doesn't work? His first words - In Vitro. My reaction - long, uncomfortable open-mouthed stare. So he proceded to tell me that IVF has a high success rate of 55 to 60% for someone my age. It's expensive, about $12000. Yeah, no shit. He said you have to be ready both emotionally, physically, and financially to take that next step. But best case scenario we end up with a pregnancy and some frozen embryos for the next time. Yeah. I'm aware of all that. I just don't think that's a road we need to go down. If there was some sort of problem that IVF would solve, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd spend the money, do the shots, deal with the side effects of all kinds of ridiculous hormones and go through the procedures. IN A HEARTBEAT. And if we'd spent all this time trying and never getting pregnant, maybe we'd eventually move on to that. But, seriously, it seems like everything is working properly now. And I've been pregnant twice. We just need to get that lucky cycle where that little embryo takes hold and stays put. I don't think IVF is necessary for that. I think we just need time. This coming from the most impatient woman in the world!

We also talked about moving on to injectables but he's not that excited at that option for me. It's also pretty expensive at about $1200 a cycle just for the drugs. He says he would want to be aggressive with it since I'd be spending so much money on each cycle and then you run the risk of being too aggressive and having to call off cycles due to too many follicles. Basically he wants to keep me on the Femara for a while and see how that works. And if we want to throw in an IUI we can. At this point I think I would just need to request an IUI in any given cycle and they'd schedule that. Personally, I'm scared of that procedure. Both HSG's were so incredibly painful from the moment the catheter went in. And IUI uses a catheter. Freaks me out.

So, my plan is to do Femara for 3 months and see how it goes. If that doesn't work we move to injectables and possibly IUI if I can muster up the nerve to go through with that. I, of course, could change my mind about all that at any given moment. :)

So that was my day at the RE. I go back on Friday for another check with the dildo cam. Wish me luck!

Introducing...

Since I don't have any real babies of my own yet, I like to take lots and lots of pics of my furbabies. So, without further ado, I present to you, Teddy and Cricket.

This is Teddy.



He's a 9 1/2 year old Shi-tzu and he's my bestest bud. He's been with me through past relationships, my single years, and several houses.



Somtimes I take him for rides with me.



And sometimes he even lets me dress him up.



His bestest bud is his Pooh Bear.



He's had him for at least 6 years. That's longer than Rich and I have been together! He sleeps with him, plays with him, and licks him. But most of all, he humps him.



This is Cricket:



She was Rich's cat from before he met me. She lived with his parents for the first few years. I've never been a cat person and wasn't real thrilled about taking her in. But she has forever changed my mind. She's the sweetest little thing ever. She curls up with me and loves on me every night.



Every now and then they get within a few feet of each other.



I loves them.

Back on the Wagon

I think I needed a few days (or a week) to wallow in my sadness. Now I'm ok. I'm trying to look at the positive. That I should be pregnant in the next few months. Should. Then we can see what happens from there.

The Dr. upped my Clomid dosage to 4 pills(200mg) every day on days 3-6. Which is only 4 days intstead of the usual 5, but a very high dosage. In fact the pharmacist red-flagged it because she had not seen a dosage that high in her 20 years of experience. But the RE's office assured me it's normal for them to go that high and sometimes they even go up to 5 pills a day.

So far it's kicking my ass. I've had the worst headaches I've ever had in my life for the past 3 days straight. Mind numbing, ridiculous headaches. And heavy duty fatigue. Hopefully this goes away now, since I'm on my last day of Clomid.

I've started thinking through all the usual stuff for this cycle. What would my due date be? At what holiday or family function would we be able to make the big announcement? How pregnant will I be by Christmas? How far apart will our baby and his/her new cousin be? All that nonsense. Why do I put myself though that? Then it's such a let down when those "milestones" don't happen. I wish I could just go about my life like we did before TTC. And if I was pregnant, great. If not, no big deal. But I can't. I must obsess over all of this nonsense every hour of every day of my life. Please let this be the month!!!!