Baby Countdown and Status Report

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It's a BOY!!!!!!!

18 weeks now and found out we're having a boy!!!

Check out this video of our recent ultrasound.

Belly Pic Bonanza

First off, I just need to say that I think it's so fabulous that I'm posting U/S and belly pics and talking about my OB appts. Instead of talking about OPK's, failed cycles, and RE appts. I honestly can't believe that I'm here and it's actually happening. I keep waiting for bad news. So far this has been the perfect pregnancy. No spotting, no major cramps, baby's growing right on schedule. It seems impossible.

Today we experienced another milestone. I got my doppler that I had bought on ebay. Which by the way, I ordered on Friday afternoon and it was in my mailbox on Monday morning. That guy is gonna get some good feedback! I waited until Rich got home from work to try it out. At first all I was hearing was my pulse and swooshing sounds. And then I found the spot and heard baby's little heart beating loud and clear. It was FANTASTIC! And it was actually kind of nice that the first time we heard it was at home, just Rich and I. I fear everyday that the baby might just stop growing and I wouldn't even know. It's so nice to know that our little one is still alive in there! And I can check on it at anytime. Sweet.

Ok, here they are...belly pics.

These first ones are 11 Week pics, taken on Friday:


And here's the progression of the belly in close up form:





The 6 week pic is essentially a "before" and as you can see I started out with a little belly. It's gotten a lot bigger but I don't see that much change since 9 weeks. Of course at 9 weeks I was really bloated from being constipated and now I'm not. So my 11 week belly is more baby than the 9 week one.

So there ya go! Probably more of my belly than you needed to see!

11 Weeks and a new Doc

Another week down. They're going by faster these days. We had an appt at our new OB/Gyn on Wednesday. They did another U/S. Mainly just so we could see our little one again. She spent a lot of time and made sure we got a good look. She also printed out 5 pics for us. This one is my favorite:



It's looking so much more human-like. It was moving all around and in this pic it was waving it's hand up by it's face. One of the pics is of it's feet and boy/girl parts. It's obviously way too early to distinguish between the two but it's nice to know baby knows how to cooperate once the time comes.

I think I'm going to like this new practice. I only got to see the NP this time. I'll meet my new doc at next months appt, which is in 4 weeks. Partly to break up that and partly because I want the info, we scheduled the NT test for my 13th week. It involves an U/S so we'll get to see our little baby again. I also bought a doppler on ebay today so we can hear the heartbeat at home whenever I feel like it. We actually haven't heard it yet. They've never turned on the speakers during any of my U/S. I always forget to ask because I'm mesmerized by watching the little being that's inside of me.

Honestly, the thought that there's something living inside me and moving around in there is a little freaky. I mean, I think about my belly getting bigger and giving birth and having a baby all the time. But somehow the fact that it's actually in there now doesn't quite make sense to me yet. Maybe that'll change once I can feel it kicking.

I'm going to have Rich take a new belly pic tonight and I just might post some of them for you. Stay tuned...

Graduation Day

I've never actually graduated from anything before. I hated high school so much that I attempted to graduate a year early by going to night school. Turns out, going to school both night and day is not the best plan for someone that can't stand being in school. I failed my daytime classes because I missed 6 days in one semester. Even though my grades were all A's and B's. So I didn't end up with enough credits to graduate early. At that point I just couldn't imagine staying in high school for another whole year. I was already planning the rest of my life. So I quit and took my GED. In retrospect, I really should have stuck it out. It's rather embarrassing to have to list GED on job applications. I took some classes at our local community college but never enrolled anywhere. I didn't want to commit to 4 years of my life until I knew exactly what I wanted to do, so it would be worth it. And that never happened. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. For right now, stay at home mommy is pretty high on the list.

On Wednesday I had a different kind of graduation. I graduated from my RE to my OB. I must admit that over the last 6 months I've watched other women and couples graduating and been jealous. Especially while I was going through the ectopic pregnancy. It's ridiculous that I could be jealous of those women. Women I know went through some sort of infertility before getting to that point. Most of them, probably more than us. I should have been happy for them and happy to see that it does work. But no, I looked at them and wondered why. Why do they get this joyous moment, walking out with their U/S pic in hand? Why do they get to see everyone smiling and telling them to send pics of the baby when it's born? Why do they get that and we don't? On Wednesday, I finally got that. It was finally our turn.

First we got congratulations and goodbyes from my favorite nurse, Bree. She's still my favorite even though she bruises the crap out of my arm everytime she takes my blood. Then we got to have our last U/S with Deb. Here's the pic:



I actually like last week's gummy bear pic better than this one. But you can tell how big baby has gotten. I'm now measuring 10 weeks. Deb actually said she'd like us to bring the baby in so she could see it in person and not just on the screen. Sigh. I'm going to miss these people. I wish I could continue going there through my whole pregnancy.

Then we got to see the Dr. one last time. I asked him what we should do about our next pregnancy. (Assuming this one goes well) Our original plan was to just never use birth control again until we know we're done having kids. This one will have taken 2 1/2 years to get here by the time it's born. So it seems silly to use birth control when we know we want at least 2 kids. And I'd sooooo much rather just get pregnant while not preventing instead of going through all the stress of TTC and fertility treatments again. But I was worried that if we get pregnant on an unmedicated cycle that my low progesterone may cause another miscarriage. Or worse, another ectopic. The doc thinks we should go ahead with our original plan and call them as soon as I get the positive test. He said that a good pregnancy changes your body and "hits the reset button" So there's no reason to think I wouldn't have another healthy pregnancy after it. He would want to monitor me closely again through the first trimester. And if it does end badly again then we would know not to do that anymore. I don't know how we feel about that yet. We'll revisit it after we get through this one. I'm always the planner though. I figured I'd get those questions out there while I still had access to the RE.

After that we got to walk out to the desk with our little U/S pic. Get the big smile from the receptionist when she sees the word "Graduate" marked on my chart. I tried to be quiet about it and to put the U/S pic in my purse as quickly as possible. I felt the looks from the other women in the waiting room. I wanted to be respectful, but I can't deny that it felt awesome to be on the other side.

9 Weeks

I guess I forgot to do an 8 week post. Oops! We had another U/S on Monday at 8 weeks 4 days. Here's the pic:



Isn't it a cute little fetus? Hehe. It was measuring big at 8 weeks 6 days. That was a relief since it had been measuring small last time. It had a nice strong heartbeat of 164 and a spine, and arms and legs. So cool! Then we got to see the best thing ever. The tech made me cough really loud a few times and got the little gummy bear to move! It looked like it was napping and we woke it up so it wiggled around and got comfy again. It was so adorable!

Apparently my RE doesn't want to let me go. Or he wants another $500 from my insurance company. In any case, I get another appt with him next Wednesday. I'll be just a day shy of 10 weeks. Then the following Wednesday I have my first OB appt and I've been told I'll get another U/S at that appt. An U/S a week until I'm almost out of the first trimester. I'm a lucky girl!

On the symptom front I've had very little nausea, for which I'm grateful. However, the bloating and constipation has set in with a vengeance. My stomach is sticking way out and making me look 3 or 4 months pregnant. I can't say I don't enjoy putting on maternity clothes and pretending that's all baby. But I know what it really is. I'm trying to get a little relief from that before I post a belly pic because I'm not trying to pass it off as a baby belly. But I promise, it's coming soon!

7 weeks?

This week seemed to go by a little faster than the past few. I was so glad to hit the 7 week mark yesterday. Then I went in for my U/S this morning. The baby is only measuring 6 wks, 5 days. That's 3 days behind where I thought I was. I know for a fact when I ovulated. The earliest I could possibly be is 7 weeks. The baby looked healthy and everything. We saw the heart beating again which was awesome. And I can see that the baby has grown a whole lot in the past week. But it's still a little nerve wracking that it's measuring small. Here's the pic:



That's the yolk sac next to it. Funny that's what that tiny little dot was on the first U/S, just 2 weeks ago, and look how big it is now!

Rich pointed out that had she measured it a little to the right (your left looking at the pic) it may have measured slightly bigger and got us another day or two. Perhaps.

My next appt is not for 10 days. My doc is on vacation next week. Some ridiculously expensive luxury getaway I'm sure. The baby business is a lucrative one. I didn't get to talk to him today because he was doing a procedure. So we wanted to make sure we got to get all of our questions answered at our next appt before they kick us out. By then I will be over 8 weeks and baby will probably have changed a lot.

No new symptoms to report. Still just really tired and my boobs hurt. And maybe, just maybe, they're a little bigger. My stomach is also feeling like it's sticking out a bit, so it might be time to start the belly pics.

In baby news this week, he or she is now the size of a raspberry. It's growing about a millimeter every day and will form it's lips, nose, and eyelids this week. It's little fingers and toes are separating, too. No more little webbed hands!

To Tell Or Not To Tell

That is the question.

So far, I've only told my 2 best friends. We had originally planned to tell our immediate families this weekend. If everything looks good on the U/S, that is. Then we were going to wait at least another few weeks or maybe into the second trimester before making the big announcement to everyone else.

This weekend is my Mom's birthday as well as Father's Day. I'm pretty sure we're still gonna tell my Mom and Stepdad during some sort of get together on Saturday. I'm planning on getting my Mom a 'Happy Birthday Grandma' card, since this will be her first grandchild. And I might put an U/S pic inside too just in case she doesn't get it. Which she might not. I love her, but she never gets jokes. We wanted to tell them to keep it to themselves for a few more weeks. However, my Aunt and Uncle are coming in to visit on Monday and my Aunt is pretty much my Mom's best friend and Mom likes to brag to her brother, my uncle, about things. They'll be spending the whole week with them and we'll be having dinner with all of them a few times during the week. There's just no way she won't tell them. But that's ok. I can handle that. I was more worried about fringe people like co-workers and distant family knowing. They're the ones that don't end up getting told when something goes wrong. And it's torture when you run into them and have to tell them yourself, months later.

Here's the big conundrum. We always have a get together with Rich's family on Father's Day. Usually at one of our houses and it's us, Rich's parents, siblings, and spouses. So we were going to break the news then. Problem is instead of getting together with just the immediate family they want us to join them at church for a Father's Day BBQ. My FIL works at the church and has to be there for this event. They'll be at church before that and the BBQ lasts until 7 pm. So there's no way my BIL and SIL will want to do anything afterward with their 2 little kids. They'll head home. So either we tell them at the BBQ and everyone in their church will know, or we wait until afterwards and only tell his parents and not the siblings.

I'm irritated by the whole thing because I wanted to be able to share it when we were all together and able to talk about it freely. I wanted the big celebration. Damn it, we've been through so much. We deserve that. It's finally our turn, I want everyone to be excited and hugging and yelling and talking about it all day. But that can't happen if we're trying to tell them on the down low during the church thing or right before or after. And we probably won't all be together again any time soon. So maybe we just tell them and let everyone else know. That way THEY could brag to all of their friends and the extended family that may or may not be there as well. That certainly would make for a big celebration. But then there ya go with all those fringe people. Fortunately they're not really people that I run into on a regular basis. So maybe it's ok. AAHHH!!! I can't decide what to do! Any opinions?

We Have Life!

We saw the heartbeat! There is an actual living embryo inside me! Here's the pic:



I know it doesn't look like much yet. Do you see where the arrow is pointing at a tiny little equals sign? That's the heartbeat.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I just couldn't turn my mind off. I read until about 2 am and then laid in bed until I fell asleep somewhere around 3. Then I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm a zombie today. I keep saying I'm going to take a nap so I'll have some energy tonight, but haven't made it to my bed yet. I want to go out to dinner with Rich tonight to celebrate.

We have another U/S next Friday. By then I should have a little grain of rice to post for you. I'm already counting down the days until then, but I'm a little more relaxed about the situation. Or am I just sleep deprived?

6 weeks

Almost. I'll be 6 weeks tomorrow. That's close enough, right? Please say yes because I just can't be 5 weeks anymore. I can't believe how slow time is moving. I'm literally counting down the hours until my U/S on Friday. 40 hours from right now.

I want to be able to just enjoy being pregnant. This is what I wanted for so long. I just can't get over the fear. So far everything has been good. In fact, I've never got this far before without having any spotting or bleeding. I'm happy about that. And I'm not stressing over my progesterone levels anymore. I'm not going to put much stock in the numbers anymore. As long as everything is progressing right on schedule according to the U/S's and I'm not having any spotting, then every thing's OK. Right?

If only I could just snap my fingers and it would be August. But then I would have missed my pregnant summer. Damn. Why do I want to wish away what should be a happy time that we'll always remember? Why can't I just be happy and pregnant and enjoy my last summer without children? (Hopefully) My experiences have taken the fun out of everything for me.

In baby news, our embryo is now the size of a pea, about a 1/4 inch long. It has nostrils and the skeleton is formed. The appendix is in place and intestines are developing. At this point, brain hemispheres have formed and brain waves can be recorded. The heart has four separate chambers and the heartbeat will soon become more regular. And baby's first movements will happen this week. Obviously we won't actually be able to detect any movement for several more weeks, but it's happening!

I hope it is anyway. I hope I'm not attributing all these things to an empty uterus.

So Far, So Good...I Think

Had my first U/S today. We knew we wouldn't be able to see much more than the sac at only 5 weeks, 1 day. I was very nervous that we wouldn't see anything at all. I was freaking out. But I was really hoping we'd see the fetal pole, even though I knew it was too early. No fetal pole yet, but we did see the gestational sac and the yolk sac inside it.




All in all, the appt went well. I asked my doc when I would be able to play golf again. Maybe near the end of the first trimester. And no orgasms either. Uterine contractions wouldn't be a good thing right now. Thanks, Doc. I don't usually have orgasms on the golf course but I'll keep that in mind.

The nurse called me later in the day with my bloodwork results. HCG levels are over 7000 now which is awesome! But my progesterone is down to 23. That's got me worrying again. They said it's fine because it's over 15. I'm already taking progesterone supplements twice a day so I know it probably won't ever fall below 15. What worries me is the big drop it took. From over 40 to 23. Was my body producing progesterone last week but stopped? And now the only progesterone in my system is from the supplements? Would that mean I was going to miscarry soon? A lot of Dr.'s think that low progesterone is not the cause of a miscarriage but rather it's the effect. So if your levels drop it is a sign of impending miscarriage. I know they're still in the normal range, but they dropped - while on supplements.

Why is there always something for me to obsess over?

Bad Friend, Bad Sister

A friend of mine has been calling and texting me A LOT this week, wanting to talk. I don't answer her calls and only respond to some of the texts. I'm careful not to get into an actual conversation, even via text. It's just so hard to talk to people right now. My brain is completely preoccupied with this pregnancy. How do I answer "What's up with you?" or "You've been really busy lately, what's going on?" when I don't want to tell anyone yet. And I haven't been busy at all. I've been sitting at home, lost in my own mind. Trying to hibernate from the world until I can be a normal pregnant women and be happy about it and share the good news. Right now I don't want to tell anyone, but I can't think about anything else. It's hard for me to even listen to her problems or try to talk about something else because my brain just won't concentrate on it. So I ignore the calls. Then it's worse because I have absolutely no excuse for not answering or calling her back. I'm sitting here doing nothing just trying to pass the time until Friday but I can't even talk to one of my best friends for a few minutes? I'm such an ass.

Another friend is going through a divorce and just had to sell her house. The settlement is Friday, so she has to have everything out by then. I've been answering some of her calls, but making excuses for not going over there and helping her pack and take things to storage. Mainly because I'm not supposed to lift anything or do anything strenuous right now. But I can't tell her that. And of course, I have the whole problem with conversing. Although I'm sure she'd do all the talking with everything that's going on with her right now. Even though I know I can't help physically, I feel like I'm letting her down when she needs me the most.

Here's the worst one. The one that makes me feel about an inch tall. My Dad died in 2007. I have 2 brothers, one older, and my baby brother Sean who's my half-brother from my Dad's second marriage. He lives in Detroit with his Mom. He called me on Saturday morning. Friday had been his last day of high school and his graduation was on Sunday. His Mom and I were emailing about this about 6 months ago. I sent her a quote to add to the page she was taking out in the yearbook for him. We talked about Rich and I coming out for it but I wasn't sure if we were actually going to do that. I really don't get along with his Mom and she wanted us to stay with her, blah, blah, blah. Sometime in April I thought I should email her and ask when the actual graduation was. But that thought was quickly replaced by thoughts of fertility treatments and possible nursery furniture. I never emailed. I did talk to Sean a few times but he never mentioned it. I knew he wouldn't know the date anyway. He has problems with time conception. His graduation is a bigger deal than most because he has some learning disabilities and social awkwardness. He's been diagnosed with a zillion things, most were ridiculous and a waste of time, over the years. Since middle school he's had an aid that writes his work for him because he can't put his thoughts into writing. However, he's very smart, loves to read, and wants to be a writer someday. Thank god for voice recognition software! He's also very funny. But sometimes talking to him is like trying to talk back to a stand-up routine. So it's hard to make a connection with him. Anyway, because of all that it's amazing that he's graduating, ON TIME, at age 18. I'm so proud of him.

All of his family from his Mom's side is up in Detroit for the weekend. And here's the thing that really got me. My older brother is there too. He made the drive from Alabama to be see him graduate. My unreliable, unorganized, unthoughtful brother is there. And I'm not. What the fuck? I told Sean I would have been there if I'd known. He said he tried to call me but I never answer the phone. He said I'm really hard to get a hold of. Those words broke.my.heart. He doesn't leave messages and I don't have caller ID. So of course I don't just answer! My antisocial self doesn't talk to just anyone these days. I wait to hear who it is first. He said his Mom sent me lots of emails. I didn't get any. She must have messed up my email address. She had it right 6 months ago! Ugh. And then there's my older brother. Why couldn't he have called me to let me know he was going and see if I wanted to go too. He says he did, and I didn't answer. UGH!!!!!!

I feel like such a piece of shit. I knew he was graduating this year. I'm the adult, he's the child. I should have called and found out when it was and made plans to be there. It's not like I have anything else to do these days. It would have really taken my mind off of all this pregnancy stuff to get away for a few days too. He sounded really disappointed on the phone. He said at least someone from Dad's family is there. Made me cry.

I have a quote from one of those stupid inspirational emails that keeps running through my head. 'If you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate actions to correct it.' So how do I do that? I already offered for him to spend a few weeks at my house this summer. We talked about that last summer but it never happened. I'm going to make it happen this time. Make concrete plans with him and his Mom. I'm also thinking I should set aside a certain day every week to call him. How do you make up for missing the most important day of his life so far? Can you?

As far as my texting friend goes, I sent her a text apologizing for being self-involved lately. Then she sent one backing asking what was up with me, which I ignored. She's just concerned, not angry. I'm thinking I might tell her about this pregnancy. She won't tell anyone and she knows about the ectopic and fertility treatments already. I was just trying to wait until we at least had an U/S before telling anyone. She doesn't always say the most tactful things on the subject. She's a self-proclaimed 'Fertile Myrtle'. But maybe I ought to tell her what's going on and explain why I haven't been taking her calls. Then if something goes wrong and she makes stupid comments, I'll just have to deal with that. That's the unselfish thing to do, right?

This is an unbelievably long post. If you're still reading, THANK YOU.

Beta #2

414. Holy Crap! It quadrupled in 2 days! I'm starting to wonder if there's more than one in there. That would be AWESOME!!!

I have to wait a whole week for any more info though. Since my numbers look great they want to hold off until next Friday to do another beta and an U/S. How am I going to survive an entire week? Even with these great numbers I'm still scared of an ectopic. Last time my levels increased normally in the beginning but then got stuck at 368 and never went any higher. So for the entire next week I'm going to be wondering if I'm stuck at 414.

I had a whole spiel I was going to give the nurse about needing to come in for another test early next week. I was going to tell her how nervous I am and that I'm worried they'll stop going up. But when she told me 414 I was so excited! So was she. There was no way I could go ahead with my spiel about being nervous after celebrating on the phone together. Oh well.

Another Day, Another Test

I couldn't resist. I tested again this morning. The line just keeps getting darker! Check it out:

Beta #1

The results are in!!

My nurse called me and said, "It's official, you're pregnant!" Such wonderful words. My HCG level was 98, which I'm pysched about. I was just hoping for something over 50 since I'm so early, only 13dpo. Yay!

My progesterone also looked good at over 40. I'm already on the supplements so I knew that one would be high, but it's nice to confirm that everything's good on that front.

Beta #2 on Friday. I can't wait!

It's Darker!!

I held it as long as I could and took another test at 4 pm. It's much darker than the other 3!!



You can actually see the line on the picture with that one. I guess my AU is better than my FMU. :)

Here We Go Again

Obviously I didn't make it until Wednesday to test! I woke up and took my temp yesterday at about 7:30 am. It was pretty low. I was laying there wondering what that could mean, if it meant anything. I had to pee. I decided to test so I could stop all of the What if's running through my head. I didn't have any FRER's, but I did have a CBE digital that I got free with my OPK's. I tested and sat on the bathroom floor petting Cricket and waiting for the NOT PREGNANT to come up. It was taking forever. I kept glancing at it and thinking "Just pop up NOT PREGNANT so I can go back to bed already" And then it was there. PREGNANT. I started crying, there on the bathroom floor. I thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. My vision is a little blurry in the mornings when I sleep in my contacts, which I had done. I woke up Rich by shoving my pee stick in his face. Haha. And saying, "I couldn't wait, but I think it says pregnant, is that what it says?" He sat right up and looked at it and hugged me. I couldn't stop the tears.

Later in the day I decided to go get some FRER's so I can watch the line get darker over the next few days. I kept my FMU in a cup in the bathroom so I could do that. I dipped it in and waited. The control line popped up and got dark as can be. But there was no second line. I freaked. I know false positives are very rare, but CBE digitals are the most notorious for them. So I grabbed another one out of the box and tried again with fresh pee. (Didn't you want to know this much about my pee?)This time a very faint line came up. Whew! As they sat there they got darker and I could see a very very faint line on the first test as well.

I was expecting a darker line than what I got since the digital was positive. It's kind of disappointing. So I took another one this morning hoping for a darker line to make me feel better and it's lighter than yesterday afternoon's. Ugh. It can never be worry free, can it? Here's the pic of my 3 tests.



I'm getting ready to go buy another box so I can see if my afternoon's today is a little darker, like yesterday. That's right, a second 3 pack in less than 24 hours. They must make a killing off of us!

I go in for my beta tomorrow. I'll only be 13dpo and with these light lines, I'm not expecting a very high number. Hopefully they'll let me come back for another on Friday to see if they doubled. Please keep me in your thoughts! We need this bean to be a healthy one!!

Haircut Part Deux

Thanks for all the suggestions! It was unanimous on all fronts to go with the bob. So here ya go:





That last one looks remarkably similar to my "mock" bob I had in the last post. So I guess I was successful! It's obviously much shorter than I was looking for. But it's cute and I can live with it until it grows out. I had them cut it a little shorter in the back then the front. (The Sling, as Lindsey called it) I actually really like this look. My only problem with it is that it's the same haircut (except for the bangs) that I had for years and years. My recent shoulder length layered look with bangs was the big change that I had been looking for. So, it's a little annoying to be forced back into my old standby haircut. But it'll grow. It grows fast, especially while taking the prenatals.

Teddy got his haircut this week too.



Doesn't he look like a proper little gentleman?

5 days until testing. Or 4 really since it's VERY early on Saturday now. I've been obsessing A LOT today. I had some pains on my right hand side. Very sharp pains similar to what I remember with the ectopic. At first I got excited about it thinking it must be implantation. Then, wait, if it feels just like the ectopic pains, is it another ectopic? I think I have those every cycle now though. So I really shouldn't read too much into them. But I will anyway! I seem to think less about it on the weekends when Rich is with me, so I'm really glad we've got a 3 day weekend.

New haircut! Help!!

My hair was getting a little too long for me so I went in to have it cut. I asked the hairdresser(same one I always go to) to do the same thing as last time. Piecy bangs and big chunky layers in the rest of the hair. I asked her to cut an inch or two off the length but keep it at my shoulders. I told her I like the look of long hair, but once it gets too long it gets on my nerves.

Here's what it looked like last time:



I loved that haircut! And I still had it, I just needed it trimmed up.

And here's what it looks like today:





I freakin' hate it! I look like a housewife from 1978. Somehow all the hair in the front that frames my face is really short. It's up to my chin. And then it tapers down into these thin layers that pop up from the bottom of the sides and back. Hate it, hate it, hate it! I've been playing with it all day and can't make it look good.

So, here's my dilemma. Do I just leave it alone and let it grow out or do I get all those thin long layers cut off and make it into a bob. I didn't want a bob with bangs because I thought it would look too juvenile. But now I'm thinking that would look better than what I have. I would probably need to let it grow even longer if I did that. So I took some pics with the long pieces pulled back so you could get an idea of what that would look like:





What do you guys think? Please don't tell me it looks good just to make me feel better. I want honest opinions of if I should leave it to grow out or get it cut again.



Thanks!

Denied

My insurance I have now is though Rich's work. It's free for him but really expensive to have me on the plan with him. And stupid expensive to add a baby. So I thought I'd be smart and proactive and research individual health plans. I found one that included maternity coverage and would be a little cheaper for us now and A LOT cheaper if we were to add a baby. So I filled out the paperwork and waited for a response. One of the questions on the application was "Have you ever had any fertility testing done?" So I put on there that some fertility tests had been done at my request after an ectopic pregnancy and no problems were found. I don't want to be accused of insurance fraud or anything so I thought they should know about the ectopic and that I have been seeing an RE. They came back wanting more info concerning my infertility. I had to have the Doc fill out a form and fax it back to them.

My current insurance won't cover fertility treatment but they do cover diagnosis and my RE appt's, just not the treatments. And it has a $3000 deductible so the things it does cover I have to pay out of pocket anyway.I figured the new company was going to come back with some exclusions. That they probably wouldn't pay for any of my RE appts or fertility stuff because no matter what you call it, it's a preexisting condition since I'm already receiving treatment. I thought, at the worst, they might deny me fertility and maternity coverage altogether. I thought we'd have to figure out what we would have to pay out of pocket vs. how much we would save on premiums and decide if we should switch.

Yesterday I got a big packet in the mail from BCBS and I thought, Yay! I'm approved. Now let's just see what the exclusions are. I open it up and read the letter on the top of the packet.

"Thank you for your recent application for individual health insurance. Unfortunately we cannot approve your request for the following reason: Infertility"

Fabulous. The rest of the information in the envelope was brochures for a plan for "high risk pool of medically uninsurable Maryland residents" I'm medically uninsurable? What the hell? I'm in perfect health other than the fact that I haven't had a baby yet. If I hadn't tried to get pregnant I wouldn't have needed to go to the Dr. for anything. I was willing to pay for my fertility stuff on my own. But they flat out denied me. Medically Uninsurable. Ridiculous.

I happened to have snuck a peak at that form the RE sent them the other day. I took the walk from the office to the front desk with my chart REALLY slowly and took a look-see. My official diagnosis is Unexplained Secondary Infertility with Shortened Luteal Phase. In previous conditions he listed - miscarriage at age 24, recent ectopic pregnancy, Unexplained Secondary Infertility greater than 2 years. Future treatment required - Clomid and Monitoring until 8 weeks pregnant. Interesting. Not sure where the 2 years part comes in as I have only been off of birth control for 20 months and seriously trying for a little over a year. Perhaps he thought we had been trying since the first miscarriage? Whatever. What's done is done. Also interesting that he refers to it as 'secondary'. I thought that term was only used if you already had a child. I'm assuming he's considering my first pregnancy as a success fertility-wise even though I lost the baby at 11 weeks. But apparently not the ectopic. Fetus in Uterus means you restart the infertility clock?

It's so aggravating that I'm being denied for Unexplained Infertility. The name says it all. They haven't found anything wrong with me! How can I be penalized for having testing done and trying to up my odds of getting pregnant with some fertility meds? That does not equal illness!

I freakin hate insurance. Of all kinds. Such a waste of money.

8 days until testing.

New Plan

Friday's RE visit was interesting. First off, my follies had actually shrunk in size. The doc says that's because ovulation was probably in progress that day. Which is what I thought as well since I got a positive on my OPK the day before. I'm a little bummed I didn't get to hear how much bigger and better they were compared to Wednesday, but I guess they got big enough. At least the one on the right did. Still not sure about that one on the left. It was at 16mm on Friday but he said it probably had gotten bigger and shrunk back down. Somehow I doubt that. My lining looked better too at 10.5mm. Nice and thick. Oh yeah.

Last visit I had asked the doc about where we will go after this. We talked about a lot of things and he didn't give me a real clear answer. Just a lot of discussing the pros and cons of all the different options. Friday was much different. Maybe I caught him off guard last time? He now says he wants to do a Laparoscopy if I'm not pregnant this cycle. I thought this meant I would need to take a cycle off, which for me means a no-go. I'm not ready to take any time off. I'm way too impatient for that. But he said we'd only need to take a few weeks off. He'd put me on BCP when this cycle is over and get me scheduled for it ASAP. Then, as long as everything goes well, take me off the BCP a few days after the procedure causing a new cycle to start. And we proceed with the next treatment cycle. They knock you out for this one so it doesn't concern me that much. No scary HSG pain or anything. I don't care what you do to me as long as I don't have to feel it!

He wants me to move on to injectables and IUI next cycle. I think the thinking behind doing the laparoscopy is to rule out any possible problems before spending the money on much more expensive treatments. If he finds any minor problems, (endo, adhesions, etc.) he can correct those while he's in there. If there's a major problem then we would know the treatments would be pointless and we need to move on to IVF or adoption. WTF! This has gotten so agressive, so fast. On one hand, I like that. I am, after all, extremely impatient and want to be pregnant now. So if this will get me pregnant, then bring it on! And I'm all for more info. He's going to take a look at ALL my pelvic organs, not just the reproductive ones. On the other hand, it's only been a few cycles since the ectopic. And I have gotten pregnant twice before. So maybe I just need a few more months and all this is completely unneccesary. I'm sure I could ask him to hold off at least one more cycle and try out the Femara. But do I really want to stop him from trying to get me pregnant ASAP. That IS what I want.

Hopefully I can just be pregnant this cycle and not have to worry about all this. I know, wishful thinking. I'm officially in the 2ww now. Blah.

Another Day at the RE

I had my mid-cycle appt today. For the first time in the last 4 months the bloodwork showed I'm not ovulating yet. I had 2 follies, one on the right measuring 22 or 23mm and one on the left at 15mm. The doc and tech seem to think the 15mm will grow and release as well, but I have my doubts. The one on the right is definitely dominant. SHOCKER!! I was hoping for several close in size. But hey, you only need one right? My lining was a little thinner than previous months at 7.8mm. The tech said it just needs to be over 7 and since I'm not quite ovulating yet it's got a few days to get thicker.

I told the RE about my monster headaches and everything while on the Clomid. So he's switching me to Letrazole(Femara) next cycle. Supposedly it has less side effects but does the same job. The FDA hasn't approved it for infertility. It's actually a breast cancer prevention drug. He said not to google it because there's a lot of unneccessary scary info out there. I, of course, googled it as soon as I got home. What else would a good TTCer do? Anybody have any experience with taking it or any knowledge about it, let me know. As far as I can tell there's mixed reviews, pretty much same as Clomid.

I also asked THE question that's been on my mind since I found out last cycle failed. Where do we go after this? What's the next step if this doesn't work? His first words - In Vitro. My reaction - long, uncomfortable open-mouthed stare. So he proceded to tell me that IVF has a high success rate of 55 to 60% for someone my age. It's expensive, about $12000. Yeah, no shit. He said you have to be ready both emotionally, physically, and financially to take that next step. But best case scenario we end up with a pregnancy and some frozen embryos for the next time. Yeah. I'm aware of all that. I just don't think that's a road we need to go down. If there was some sort of problem that IVF would solve, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd spend the money, do the shots, deal with the side effects of all kinds of ridiculous hormones and go through the procedures. IN A HEARTBEAT. And if we'd spent all this time trying and never getting pregnant, maybe we'd eventually move on to that. But, seriously, it seems like everything is working properly now. And I've been pregnant twice. We just need to get that lucky cycle where that little embryo takes hold and stays put. I don't think IVF is necessary for that. I think we just need time. This coming from the most impatient woman in the world!

We also talked about moving on to injectables but he's not that excited at that option for me. It's also pretty expensive at about $1200 a cycle just for the drugs. He says he would want to be aggressive with it since I'd be spending so much money on each cycle and then you run the risk of being too aggressive and having to call off cycles due to too many follicles. Basically he wants to keep me on the Femara for a while and see how that works. And if we want to throw in an IUI we can. At this point I think I would just need to request an IUI in any given cycle and they'd schedule that. Personally, I'm scared of that procedure. Both HSG's were so incredibly painful from the moment the catheter went in. And IUI uses a catheter. Freaks me out.

So, my plan is to do Femara for 3 months and see how it goes. If that doesn't work we move to injectables and possibly IUI if I can muster up the nerve to go through with that. I, of course, could change my mind about all that at any given moment. :)

So that was my day at the RE. I go back on Friday for another check with the dildo cam. Wish me luck!

Introducing...

Since I don't have any real babies of my own yet, I like to take lots and lots of pics of my furbabies. So, without further ado, I present to you, Teddy and Cricket.

This is Teddy.



He's a 9 1/2 year old Shi-tzu and he's my bestest bud. He's been with me through past relationships, my single years, and several houses.



Somtimes I take him for rides with me.



And sometimes he even lets me dress him up.



His bestest bud is his Pooh Bear.



He's had him for at least 6 years. That's longer than Rich and I have been together! He sleeps with him, plays with him, and licks him. But most of all, he humps him.



This is Cricket:



She was Rich's cat from before he met me. She lived with his parents for the first few years. I've never been a cat person and wasn't real thrilled about taking her in. But she has forever changed my mind. She's the sweetest little thing ever. She curls up with me and loves on me every night.



Every now and then they get within a few feet of each other.



I loves them.

Back on the Wagon

I think I needed a few days (or a week) to wallow in my sadness. Now I'm ok. I'm trying to look at the positive. That I should be pregnant in the next few months. Should. Then we can see what happens from there.

The Dr. upped my Clomid dosage to 4 pills(200mg) every day on days 3-6. Which is only 4 days intstead of the usual 5, but a very high dosage. In fact the pharmacist red-flagged it because she had not seen a dosage that high in her 20 years of experience. But the RE's office assured me it's normal for them to go that high and sometimes they even go up to 5 pills a day.

So far it's kicking my ass. I've had the worst headaches I've ever had in my life for the past 3 days straight. Mind numbing, ridiculous headaches. And heavy duty fatigue. Hopefully this goes away now, since I'm on my last day of Clomid.

I've started thinking through all the usual stuff for this cycle. What would my due date be? At what holiday or family function would we be able to make the big announcement? How pregnant will I be by Christmas? How far apart will our baby and his/her new cousin be? All that nonsense. Why do I put myself though that? Then it's such a let down when those "milestones" don't happen. I wish I could just go about my life like we did before TTC. And if I was pregnant, great. If not, no big deal. But I can't. I must obsess over all of this nonsense every hour of every day of my life. Please let this be the month!!!!

Failed The Test

Failed it 3 times actually. I got BFN's at 11, 13, and 14 dpo. Yay me. My next cycle will probably start tomorrow once I stop taking my progesterone supplements. I HATE THIS. I really truly despise this whole process. It's draining the life out of me. I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure I even want this anymore if it means I have to keep doing this for months and months just to get a BFP which may or may not turn into an actual baby. UGH. UGH, UGH, UGH.

Why can't you just get pregnant every time you have unprotected sex. The world would work so much better that way. You'd have much less idiot teenage pregnancies (not to mention idiot adult pregnancies) if they knew that if they did it just once, they'd be pregnant. Not, there's a chance it will happen, you WOULD be pregnant. Most everyone would protect themselves until they wanted to have a baby. Then, when you decided you wanted to have a baby you could just do it once and be pregnant. Of course, that plan does have it's faults. Only the real dumbasses would get pregnant acidentally so you'd have really stupid babies running around. All rape victims would get pregnant as well. Good lord, this post has taken a strange turn. Let's move on.

Every other month I've had some reason as to why it didn't work. Pretty much all last year it was my short luteal phase/low progesterone issue that I blamed it on. In February it was because I ovulated on the right side again which still had a blockage, found on my HSG the next month. In March it was because the HSG was too close to when I ovulated and the spermies had a "hostile environment" due to the dye that flushed everything out the day before. This month I have no excuses. Everything was perfect. But I'm still not pregnant. It just doesn't seem like mother nature works the way it's supposed to. If every piece was in it's place, then why did that little test tell me -NO this morning instead of +YES? I just can't make sense of it.

A Little to the Left

That's where I need my hubby's swimmers to go. Because my left ovary finally took charge! I was beginning to think it didn't work at all since I've ovulated on the right side every single time we've checked. My Dr. is very happy about this since my left side does not have a history of ectopic, like the right side does. So this would be a good month to get that BFP! Do ya here me in there!?!

Everything checked out nicely today. I've got 2 follies looking good at 22 mm and 25 mm. My lining looked great at 10.6 mm, and they did another CM test and Rich's swimmers looked great again. We were so relieved at that. I was afraid all of the stress he's been under at work had caused his sperm count to suffer. But I don't think that's the case. I think last month was probably a fluke due to the HSG dye since that had happened the day before.

For the last few months, every time I go to the RE's office, he's got someone sitting in on our visits. It's someone different every time, interns doing their rotations I guess. It doesn't usually bother me. Except today my Dr. got pretty explicit about sexual positions. He actually said "I don't know what you did different this month, whether you're lying on your back or if your husband stays inside you longer, but it seems to be working. Keep doing it." And the young doc-in-training let out a giggle. Lovely. We're actually not doing anything different. I think the doc was just trying to justify why this month the swimmers looked so much better on the post-coital test. (I hate that term) Again, I think last month was a fluke because of having the HSG the day before and all those chemicals probably screwed with my PH balance and killed off his poor little spermies. The ones that were still alive were just quivering. So sad. Today it looked like a sex ed film again. A bunch of them swimming around like crazy under the microscope. Such a beautiful sight!

Bored

I stole this from Sarah. Cause I'm a thief.

Bold all the things you've done on this list so others know how awesome you are.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - This one should really change in the near future since my husband is from France. (Hint, hint)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life *
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - I'll take Sarah's word for it that I'm not missing anything with this one.
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

*Ok, regarding saving someone's life. My neighbor fell down the stairs in her apartment. I heard the noise and put my ear up to the wall to see if she was ok. She was definitely not ok. We went over there and she was laying on her kitchen floor, blood everywhere, and delirious. We called 911 and they landed a helicopter across the street and flew her to shock trauma. She ended up having several broken bones along with a gigantic gash in her head and a severe concussion. Now I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't gone over there, I doubt she would have died, probably just laid there for longer than she needed to. Hence the asterisk.

Another One Down

Another cycle, that is. On to the next one. I'm not too upset by it. There's a lot of reasons why this last month was not a good month for me to get pregnant. Probably the biggest being that I don't think my mind was in the right place to be pregnant again. (See my previous post.) Also I wasn't thrilled about what my Due date would have been. Our imaginary baby would have had to share his/her birthday with my BIL's kids and I just didn't want have to deal with a lifetime of birthday party scheduling issues. Of course, if I get pregnant this cycle it could very well be a Christmas baby and then he/she/they would have to share their birthday with the entire world. That doesn't seem as bad to me for some reason. Also, I've been working on losing the 15 pounds I gained over the winter. I'm down 5 but would like to be down a few more before I have to worry about getting enough calories in for a second life. I also did a few things in the 2WW that weren't too baby friendly. A couple nights of drinking, some hardcore workouts, and I dyed my hair. Although, I really don't think hair dying does any damage.

I'm still bummed. Bummed I don't get at least the possibility of an exciting announcement at either of 2 family get togethers next month. Like I had been secretly imagining in my head. Bummed I have to go through another 2WW. Bummed it will be at least another month, if not months or years or never, before I can make my hubby a daddy. Bummed.

My doc is upping my Clomid again this month. This cycle I will take 200mg on day 3, 150mg on days 4-5, 100mg on day 6, and 50mg on day 7. At least it's interesting. Kinds makes me feel like we're doing something different and therefore this might work.

What Chapter are we in?

The other night my hubby and I laid in bed, facing each other, talking about our hopes for this cycle. Frankly, I have none. After trying to explain my outlook for quite some time, what I came up with was this...I feel like I'm in the middle of a tragic novel. The tragic life of Melanie. Not at the end with the "happy ever after" part. In the middle. I feel like although what we have been through so far has been extremely difficult, it is not over. Probably in a year or two, I will look back on this time and think how little I had been through compared to what was to come. I'm not really sure where that's coming from. Perhaps it's reading other infertility blogs online, each with different struggles and devastations and losses. I realize there's a possibility we will not be able to get pregnant again. There's also a possbility we will get pregnant again only to have miscarriage #3, or 4, or 5. Or I could have another ectopic but this time my tube will burst and need to be removed through emergency surgery. Or, the very worst thing I can think of, a stillbirth. That's something that scares the shit out of me everytime I think about it. I don't think I would be able to go on with life if that happens to me. I would just shut down.

So, here I am, 6dpo today. And not really caring whether I'm pregnant this month or not. Because honestly, if I am, I'm just going to be waiting to get the bad news. Waiting for the next chapter of my nightmare.

By the way, I had my second HSG last week. It was just as bad as the first. I don't understand how they can get away with doing that procedure without anethesia. Would they do liposuction without anethesia? They seem similar to me. They even knock you out for colonoscopies and such and they're probably not as bad. I bet if the Dr's had to go through it they would be shocked at how much pain it causes and never do it to a waking patient again. I was on vicadin and muscle relaxers this time and still screamed my way through the whole thing. By the end I was just laying there crying. WTF?!? I'm not a wussy little girl. I can handle pain. But that is just traumatic.

I also had my mid-cycle U/S which showed 2 large follies on my right side. Apparently my right ovary is a bully because I've Ovulated on that side the last 4 cycles. My follies were 32 mm and 24mm. I'm not sure that the 32mm isn't too big, but the Dr. didn't mention it. We'll see what the outcome is next week.

Getting Older

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I feel so damned old. How did this happen? When did I go from being a punk rock chick that just wanted to go out and have fun, to an almost 30, married, boring woman. What happened?

I suddenly feel rushed. There's nothing standing between me and my 30th birthday now. The days are just ticking away until my 20's are over. I feel the need to enjoy my youth and go out more. Socialize more. Be more daring. Act young while I still can.

Some of this, I'm sure, is affected by my lack of children. I always wanted to be a young mother. My Mom had me when she was 27 and she always seemed older than my friend's mothers. In retrospect, their Moms all had them between ages 16 and 20. And I didn't want that! But I didn't want to be any older than my Mom was either. And I definitely wanted to be done with having children by the time I was 30. I had to wait until I was 27, when my husband agreed. But that was ok, I could have a couple kids in 3 or 4 years, right? Ha. I probably won't even have my first by the time I'm 30. I just feel like the whole last few years have been a waste of time. I could have been enjoying my life and my husband and my 20's and wouldn't be in any different place then I am right now.

All Set

Today is day 3 of my cycle. Since the RE's office is closed on the weekends, I called the nurse this morning to let her know I was already on day 3. Surprisingly she didn't want me to come in today for a baseline U/S or bloodwork or anything. Maybe they don't require it, maybe they couldn't squeeze me in today. Either way, it's fine by me. The bills are adding up!

They did call in my Clomid Rx for me. The Dr. is switching it up a little this month. He wants me to take 150mg on day 3, 100mg on days 4-6, and 50 mg on day 7. He didn't explain the reasoning to me but I think it's to try and make more good-size eggs instead of one huge one like last month. That's just the internet researcher in me talking.

We scheduled the HSG for next Tuesday. I'm really scared of going through that pain again, but I'm trying not to think about it. The Doc said he would give me some Rx pain meds to take before the procedure this time. The nurse wouldn't call that in though, she's going to have the Doc call me tomorrow about it. He better give me something or put me under or I might end up kicking him in the face during the procedure! Purely instinctual, I promise. ;)

So we're all set for this new cycle. I'm really hoping this one works!

I have a blog!!

This is my first blog post. Ever. I'm not sure why I started this blog. I guess sometimes I have things to say and nowhere to say them. So I will post them here. And if you're interested, read it. If not, don't.

My journey so far is detailed over on the right, so I won't repeat it here. I know it's a little long, but it all seemed important. I didn't want to leave any of it out!

That's all for tonight. It's very late due to the time change and I have to call the RE first thing in the morning. It's the start of a new cycle. Hoping it works this month, for real this time.